Torn between being over you and just thinking you’ll be back.
Some days I want you back. Others I don’t. I guess I’ll truly be over you when I can lay in bed at night and not think of you
Lately I’ve been hearing that I should be dating. My aunt told me a story of her friends daughter who dated the same guy throughout high school and college, they recently broke up and she said it was so sad because she could have spent that time dating. I also then read about a girl who wished she had dated instead of doing long distance with her high school boyfriend. I can’t help but think these are signs. Messages for me to date but at the same time I can’t help it but think about W. I love hi with every fiber of my being. He is a huge, huge part of me and I can’t replace him with someone else. I guess I don’t see a point in dating if he’s the one for me. If he’s my one true soulmate. Still another part of me doesn’t want to wake up full of regret.
I guess I’ll just see who and what comes along..
"so even though he left me and it hurt like hell, what is not beautiful about today? Even the rain clouds can bless me. So what if he won’t appreciate me the homeless man will hug me and the street corner will open up to me"
No, just broken hearted. Just dealing with being betrayed by the one I loved. So yeah I kick and scream. I cry until my head hurts, I get angry and feel urges to throw things across the room. I occasionally hit you up first in tears and then with curse words. I’m emotional but I’m not crazy. I’m just trying to move on, forget. It’s hard and it hurts. How can I be blamed?
Well I finally stopped texting him. It’s been almost a week and it is progress. To be honest, I haven’t really thought much about us not speaking. I think of him, always but I don’t have a huge urge to run and text him. That’s probably because I’ve been keeping busy working 36 hours and going to the gym.
This morning I woke up to a picture message from him. My heart was pounding. I instantly thought it was a picture of his new girl or a photo of a conversation, anyways I opened the picture and guess what I see.
Did you guess? Ok you’re wrong. It was a picture of his penis. Yup at 1am I got a photo of his dick sent to me. I spent all day deciding whether or not to reply and what I should say but instead I didn’t reply at all. This photo made me think of two things. First was, he’s sending ME this photo. Not another girl, this made me feel good because at 1am I was on his mind. This good feeling quickly passed because I then was reminded that I didn’t get a “I miss you” text, I didn’t get a “I’m sorry” text I got a dick pic. Why? Because sex is the only thing I mean to him now and that hurts. At 1am he didn’t miss me, he wasnt thinking about how much he loved me and made a mistake he was thinking about my vagina. Quite frankly, I really do deserve a lot better than being someone’s sex toy.
"I’m reminded that when it’s done, they can call on your soul whenever they want to, and will, whenever their lonely needs their fix"
Doing It Wrong - Miles Hodges & Alysia Harris
I need you. And you are reading this thinking it’s for somebody else. But now you are wondering you are that somebody else or if you are my original you.
And that’s how I messed up your mind.